Real life, you are a fucker-upper.
Relinquishing my grip on the fantasy of being able to plan ahead, finding immediate relief of self imposed angst and worry.
From last night my today plans went like this:
1) rise and shine at 5 a.m. because I go to bed at a decent hour
2) raise children from their slumber with a warm smile and kind words
3) prepare healthy foods
4) bid both my children happiness and success and send them off to school
6) visit Mom at nursing home at 9 am
7) go to Mom's apartment and clean up in preparation for her going being discharged from nursing home tomorrow
8) go to grocery store for Mom
9) return to Mom's apartment with her food
10) go to my therapist at 11
11) go back to nursing home with stuff Mom needs for tomorrow
12) go home and clean up my own crap
13) Welcome my eldest child home at 2:15
14) do the all the other stuff and usual homework dinner routine...etc
1) foolishly stayed up til 1:30 am when spouse returned home from work
2) attempted conversation with spouse
3) fell asleep around 2-ish after making incomprehensible garbled noises toward spouse
4) Awakened by daughter's incomprehensible word like noises, only able to comprehend, "Mom, MOM. MOM. sick, eye, infection, call doctor, back to bed" at 6:00 a.m.
5) fell back to sleep while overtired spouse checked on sick kid.
6) tipped out of bed at 6:30 thinking, Oh SHIT.
7) drank coffee, ate cookies, achieved what appeared to be "awake"
8) woke son with words like, "You. Son. Get up. I love you. My GOD, son. It's a good day for a shower."
9) poured cereal in bowl for son
10) stared at son
11) brushed son's hair
12) waited for 8 a.m. to call doctor's office
13) wondered how to get all things done now that getting a sick kid to a doctor's appointment was part of the game plan
14) called sick kid's school
15) called doctor, left message, waited
16) sent well kid to school
17) waited for the call back from doctor, afraid to shower for fear I'd miss the call
18) contemplated calling my sister to ask for back up but worried I'd miss doctor's call back
19) got call back
20) got sick visit scheduled...for 10:20.
It's 9. According to my original plan I'd be awake, showered, dressed, and starting in on the important stuff that needs doing. In reality I'm still in my pajamas contemplating preparing coffee #3.
But what ever.
I'm here, my house is still standing, my kids love me, I love my kids, we have insurance, my sick kid will see the doctor, we'll probably get medicine...but we can afford it and I'm grateful, she will recover, we have enough food, my mom is alive, my son is happy, despite everything and almost 18 years of marriage my spouse is still one of my best friends and he still thinks I'm cool. I'm really lucky.
There is no emergency in my life.
Everything that needs to get done will get done.
There's enough time.