Thursday, October 31, 2013

Thigh Gap. Excuse Me? Are You Fucking Kidding?

"Thigh gap"? WTF? 

Okay. I'm going to go out on limb and say some stuff: 

Some women have skinny legs and that's just fine. 

The majority of women do not can and should never try to achieve this "thigh gap" thing. I've been dangerously skinny and I NEVER attained the coveted thigh gap. I could count every rib and still, no gap. Fuck that.

What is it with folks that we start to sexualize and fetishize a body part that is actually actually an absence, really seriously just empty space?  We're talking negative space, boys and girls, which is  a completely mind-blowing concept when you learn about it in 3rd grade art class, however in real life, given a choice between existing or being negative space, I think corporeal is better.  

Here's an example of what I'm talking about; behold the delectable doughnut. Do you enjoy eating a doughnut or do you prefer eating the space in the middle that is not there, the doughnut gap?  I'm all about the doughnut. I'll leave the gap for you. Yum.

For all women who are thigh-gap-less, listen up Gorgeous, I'm talking to you; you are substantive, lovely, and delicious.  

Skinny thigh gap ladies, no disrespect, but I'm challenging my generously thigh-ed sisters to celebrate their abundance, to take up the space they're in without apology or guilt and maybe just for today to try to rock those bountiful gams with audacity and sass. 

Yay for sexy round rubbing together thighs! 

Friday, October 4, 2013

Day Four Daily Blogoramadingdongday

Today's suggested blog writing prompt has something to do with my favorite Halloween costume from my childhood. Other writers have done this and done it better than I ever could. That said, let's jump into the fray.

I was a kid such a long ago that I don't remember much about it.  Because I was a kid who couldn't really sit still for long, all of the daguerreotypes of me in my Halloween costumes are too blurry to make out. This is just as well considering that I was raised in an era before there was any sensitivity shown to anyone and racial and ethnic stereotypes were considered appropriate Halloween attire. I confess that on October 31st I still have this strange urge to black out my front teeth with my mother's eyebrow pencil. Periodontal disease is part of any good Halloween costume. Am I right? 

Anyway, enough about costumes, let's talk about something more cheery, shall we?

I remember carving pumpkins with my family. Those are happy memories. Actually, carving pumpkins was never as fun as I thought it would be. There was a lot parental sighing, I couldn't get over the feeling that the adults had 100 things they'd rather be doing, and since I had no fine motor skills and was not trusted to cut a pumpkin with a steak knife, I pretty much just sat at the table and pouted while a stressed out adult cut out a happy face on my pumpkin and berated me for not being grateful.

I was a weirdly sensitive kid and anything with a face no matter how inanimate became my new best friend. I'm suddenly remembering in great detail the groundbreaking psychological studies done by some dude named Dr. Harlow in the 50s with a baby monkey and a wire dummy monkey mom who gave food and a soft dummy monkey mom who gave nothing but wasn't cold and hard. I was that baby monkey.

Anyway. I'm trying to make this HAPPY damn it. I'll keep going. I remember falling in love with my happy jack o lantern. I'll always remember her lopsided face, her peg-toothed grin, the special way her eyes lit up when I told her my secrets or placed lit matches in her cranial cavity. And I remember the pain of having my new best and perhaps only friend, Jackie Lantern, smashed to a pulp in the road by a gang of neighborhood shitheads  naughty children.

I have mixed feelings about Halloween.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Daily Blog-athon Day 3: Halloween Costume

So today makes day three of the BlogHer NaBloPoMo. Cough. Excuse me.

And the prompt for today is, Will you dress up for Halloween? What will you be?

No, I will not dress up for Halloween and so I will be what I am every day of the year: a snide, angry, short, wide, glib, sarcastic woman.


All this writing is physically and emotionally exhausting.

Creatively I feel as though I've stretched and grown these past 3 days.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

And with that, I'm all caught up with this daily blog challenge and I promise to put aside Madam Snide-y Pants and try to blog nice.

October the Two-th: My favourite autumnal flavour

What's with the "our" in favorite and flavor BlogHer?

I'm still not up to playing nice but my friends, if I have any friends, know I'm a cranky gal.

Please note that in yesterday's post I referred to the day as October the One-th and today is October the two-th. I did this on purpose. Just in cases there was any question.

So what's my favorite autumnal flavor? I know you all want to know. My favorite autumnal flavor is: my own salty tears.

God bless and God speed.

I'm off to the time machine, set the dial to Tomorrow/Today.

I can't wait! How about you?

BlogHer NaBloPoMo October: started late Oh well

Let's pretend to go back in time. Let's pretend today is October the One-th.

Hello beautiful October, you  gorgeous month, you.

Today's BlogHer prompt is to write about my favorite thing about autumn.

I'm sure you are all waiting with baited breath to know what my personal favorite thing about autumn is. Aren't you?! NO?!

 This is why I don't play with other people, because quite frankly I'm sort of a meanie.

First BlogHer spells favorite like "favourite" which is snobby and annoying unless of course the BlogHer blogger is British and who knows, maybe she is in which case I look like a jerk.

And second of all, I feel suddenly like I'm back in school. I'm torn between thinking, I can do a good job and get an A on this essay and thinking screw this crap, let's cut class and go smoke in the woods behind the school. Not that I did that mind you, but my inner delinquent, a figment of my imagination, is always looking for opportunities to make manifest.

And so with this my friends, I bid you farewell.

 Back to the time machine to see what Tomorrow/Yesterday offers in the way of a blog post prompt.