Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Full disclosure: I sometimes shop at ***-Mart, but never on Black Friday



So, I've been thinking about that unabashed orgy of American Corporate Greed and the Pavlovian Consumerist Response. You know, Black Friday.

Let's just skip ahead in time, shall we? (Cue magic wand waving sounds now)

Happy Thanksgiving! We're all high on tryptophan, feeling content and gassy, picking our teeth with the wishbone. We're thinking about the generous Pilgrims and their BFFs the helpful happy Indians. We push ourselves away from the table and the remains of our obscenely huge meal. We finish lecturing our kids about how they should count their blessings, that it's better to give than to receive, and that we should all remember the reason for the upcoming Christmas season. What was that reason again? No time for that silly shit now, it's almost 6 pm and FU-Mart will be opening soon! Grab your hat and bolt for the door.

Stand back, Black Friday, make way for Black Thursday!

Actually, if you want to get a good spot in line before the doors open you probably want to get there earlier. Maybe you should camp out in front of the store very early Thursday morning. Nobody really likes Thanksgiving anyway. Fuck that "family time" crap. Bring some turkey sandwiches and potato chips and thank your lucky stars you have a good reason not to hang around with Grandma or your kids today. You can watch the Parade on your iMeMeMePhone while you wait. Take some selfies. Bring your guns. Guns get sad and lonely locked up in the closet all empty and unloaded. Guns love to get loaded and mingle. There's nothing more American than waiting in a crowd of bargain hunters for hours in the cold on a national holiday with a loaded weapon at your side. If some grubby grabby asshole tries to wrestle the last LegoPonyNerfDollGunBot out of your hands, you'll be ready. Stand your ground buddy.

Remember, it's REALLY GODDAMNED IMPORTANT that you get that FUCKING PIECE of PLASTIC for your kid. Because kids these days DON'T ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH SHIT and the Future of 'Merica depends on how much money you spend today.

Use your Visa and the MasterCard. Cash is for pussies. Credit card companies need your money more than you do, and with an interest rate of 29%, you're happy to do your part and lend a hand. Did you know that in America, over 16 million credit card companies go to bed hungry every night? Oh wait, no. That's not quite right. Uh...who cares. What's essential to remember is that your children won't love you anymore if you don't buy them shit tons of shit. Do you hear me? The economy will tank and your kids will hate you.

Do your duty. You love to shop. You do. You love it. You're happy. Buying makes you happy for a minute. So keep buying! Don't stop. Buy shit! Prove you're not a worthless child-hating unpatriotic piece of waste. Wait in long lines, push and grab and swear and kick and scratch. Buy your kids those happy Christmas memories you didn't have when you were a kid. Such a deal! Low low prices! You'll be glad you did. 

You'll suck as an American and as a human being if you don't.

1 comment:

No Filter: The Book said...

How we treat Christmas now is ridiculous. Much of the time that "needed" stuff ends in Goodwill in a few months.