When the kids were younger it was easier to write about stuff.
It was easier to write about them because frankly, they didn't care, and it was easier to divulge personal stuff about myself, because frankly, they didn't care.
None of it showed up on their radar.
But now everybody is older, and I feel there is more at stake.
They deserve privacy and their lives are their own, not mine to mine at will, to bend and fashion into something that serves or pleases me or makes a point that I've chosen.
That's not fair.
And as they get older I feel my public behavior has more of an impact on them. I mean, I'm friends with some of their friends, and if I share some big deep secret or trauma with the world, they are going to know about it, and their friends may know about it, and then I'm just a little too uncovered to feel comfortable. Then there is the very real possibility of being "cringy" which is something to be avoided at all costs. I know I cross the line between cringe-worthy and just being my weird self often enough regardless of my intention to toe it. Second hand embarrassment is excruciating, especially if it's your mom who's making a fool of herself.
It's one thing to be a fully human being around people I consider my peers, but another to be vulnerable to people who are peers now but who were, until very recently, kiddos.
It's weird and it sort of cramps my style to be honest.
My big fear right now is that I'll embarrass myself in front of the kids and they'll be disgusted and ashamed of me.
I could write about many things but everything that comes to mind is fraught and so I remain silent.
I often say there is strength in vulnerability but I'm finding it a little more difficult to believe that right now. Right now there's just just this hiding behind a curtain in a hospital johnny sort of feeling.
The big truth is that no matter how old we get, we remain ourselves. Some of us have our shit together and some of us seem to be on a different path, the "I may never get my shit together and I'll have to learn how to make peace with that hopefully before I die" path.
The reality for most of us is that we don't know where we're going or what we're doing, most of us have regrets, and most of us have fucked up at some point. The reality is we are as sure about the future when we are 19 as we are when we're 49.
Maybe at some point I'll get whatever "mojo" I had, back. I'll just have to be a little more real and a little braver, but right now I don't think anyone is ready for that.
It was easier to write about them because frankly, they didn't care, and it was easier to divulge personal stuff about myself, because frankly, they didn't care.
None of it showed up on their radar.
But now everybody is older, and I feel there is more at stake.
They deserve privacy and their lives are their own, not mine to mine at will, to bend and fashion into something that serves or pleases me or makes a point that I've chosen.
That's not fair.
And as they get older I feel my public behavior has more of an impact on them. I mean, I'm friends with some of their friends, and if I share some big deep secret or trauma with the world, they are going to know about it, and their friends may know about it, and then I'm just a little too uncovered to feel comfortable. Then there is the very real possibility of being "cringy" which is something to be avoided at all costs. I know I cross the line between cringe-worthy and just being my weird self often enough regardless of my intention to toe it. Second hand embarrassment is excruciating, especially if it's your mom who's making a fool of herself.
It's one thing to be a fully human being around people I consider my peers, but another to be vulnerable to people who are peers now but who were, until very recently, kiddos.
It's weird and it sort of cramps my style to be honest.
My big fear right now is that I'll embarrass myself in front of the kids and they'll be disgusted and ashamed of me.
I could write about many things but everything that comes to mind is fraught and so I remain silent.
I often say there is strength in vulnerability but I'm finding it a little more difficult to believe that right now. Right now there's just just this hiding behind a curtain in a hospital johnny sort of feeling.
The big truth is that no matter how old we get, we remain ourselves. Some of us have our shit together and some of us seem to be on a different path, the "I may never get my shit together and I'll have to learn how to make peace with that hopefully before I die" path.
The reality for most of us is that we don't know where we're going or what we're doing, most of us have regrets, and most of us have fucked up at some point. The reality is we are as sure about the future when we are 19 as we are when we're 49.
Maybe at some point I'll get whatever "mojo" I had, back. I'll just have to be a little more real and a little braver, but right now I don't think anyone is ready for that.
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