Skip to main content

How Lefty Saved the Day (gratuitous use of the word f***, because, you know, I just felt like it)

I have the reflexes of a ninja when I need them. For a person of my size and lack of coordination, it's amazing how quickly I can move when I'm not thinking about it.

I'm able to catch a falling plate before it hits the floor, to right a bottle that's been tipped before the contents have had a chance to spill, why, even just this moment, the alarm on my phone went off and before my Thinking Brain even consciously registered the meaning of the sound, my left hand, my LEFT Hand mind you, (I am perniciously right handed) flew into action, slapped down upon the phone at bionic woman speed, and defused that blasted thing before it had a chance to ring again.

It was truly an amazing feat of dexterity, skill, and startling fury. My conscious brain is still reeling, quite frankly. I had an inkling that the sound of the alarm  elicited within me some amount of irritation, but the magnitude of focused rage, to trigger such a display? I had no idea.

It went down like this: The house was still, early morning, silent. I was relaxing in my own profound thoughts lounging there, you know, relaxed yet engaged, I was writing about serious and beautiful things, I was lost in a beautiful space with my big thoughts when,

"BLEEPBLEEP! BLEEPBLEEP!"

Before I even had a chance to think, "Hark! from whence springs that sound? Is it the morning cock calling me to wake? But I'm already awake you fucking asshole morning cock..."

Before I could think that, or register the idea of sound, Left Hand was all like, "AHHHHHHH! KILL NOISE!"--- and had honed in on the exact location of the (annoying annoying grating insufferable kill it make it stop) sound and deactivated the alarm function.

Thinking Brain was all like, "Huh? What the...? The alarm? Who the fuck set the alarm to go off at four in the fucking morning?!"

Left Hand was all like, "Settle down, settle down. Nothing to see here. The situation has been ameliorated and the enemy has been neutralized."

Thinking Brain was like, "Wow, Lefty, those were some fucking awesome ninja skills!"

And Left Hand blushing, feigning humility said, "It was nothing ma'am. I was just doing my job so you can do yours,"

But deep down Lefty was thinking, yeah, I am pretty fucking amazing.

True story.










Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Just don't call me Late to Dinner

A friend recently asked if I was ever called Maggie or if I'd always been a Margaret. That got me thinking about my name. I hate my name.  Hate it. I have never liked my name. It seems fine to call other people Margaret. It sounds agreeable enough when I say hello to another Margaret. "Hello, Margaret!" I might say. And the name doesn't offend me. It doesn't make me recoil or wretch. It's just a name. And a fine name at that. But it's not for me. I don't feel like a Margaret. It doesn't fit me well.  Hangs off me all funny and weird. Can't ever seem to wear it comfortably. I don't like to be called by name. Frankly, it makes me feel sort of sick.  When I was a chubby 3rd grader I decided I wanted to go by a nickname.   Peggy. I wrote it in my clumsy curly cursive on the front inside cover of my books.   I said it out loud to myself in the mirror. Peggy. Peggy! I liked it. First of all Peg...

possible blog material

possible blog posts for blogtober: 15 things you don't know about my left nut: 1. I don't have a left nut 2.  I do not even have a right nut As I can only get to #2, this idea needs fleshing out before I commit to it. Hahaha...fleshing out.  some things you don't know about my cat 1. I have a cat 2. she's a cat  3. she does cat things 4. she shits in a box   15 things I want to change about myself 1. fuck this shit 2. seriously 3. back off 4. you do not want to go down this path 5. really One billion (maybe this is too ambitious) observations made while sitting on the toilet  1. someone should really mop the floor  2. I need to get some new reading material in here,   3. I think the new Oprah magazine was in yesterday's mail  4. there are only so many times you can read about living your best life while sitting on the shitter  5. reading recipes while using the bathroom is sort of we...

We're in a horrible mess and I feel like I owe folks an explanation

Hey there friends. In the past, I haven't been shy about talking about my bipolar II, my near constant depression, and anxiety. Writing about my experiences has been a mixed bag. Sometimes I feel I am reveling too much and that I'm embarrassing myself.  Then there are times when people reach out and thank me for being honest about my mental health struggles. Some folks find comfort or solidarity in the stuff I write and that's good, because that's my hope and intention.  I've been mostly silent though about this most recent episode. It's been so dire I felt foolish discussing it much. It just felt too big to be real. I worried that people would think I was being overly dramatic. I have been tempted to dump it all out there like a bag of old garbage, but I though, who needs that. And frankly, at a certain point it felt like who cares, why bother, it's all a load of shit and in the long run, who gives a fuck. At this point though, I feel like I owe...