Thursday, October 9, 2014

How Lefty Saved the Day (gratuitous use of the word f***, because, you know, I just felt like it)

I have the reflexes of a ninja when I need them. For a person of my size and lack of coordination, it's amazing how quickly I can move when I'm not thinking about it.

I'm able to catch a falling plate before it hits the floor, to right a bottle that's been tipped before the contents have had a chance to spill, why, even just this moment, the alarm on my phone went off and before my Thinking Brain even consciously registered the meaning of the sound, my left hand, my LEFT Hand mind you, (I am perniciously right handed) flew into action, slapped down upon the phone at bionic woman speed, and defused that blasted thing before it had a chance to ring again.

It was truly an amazing feat of dexterity, skill, and startling fury. My conscious brain is still reeling, quite frankly. I had an inkling that the sound of the alarm  elicited within me some amount of irritation, but the magnitude of focused rage, to trigger such a display? I had no idea.

It went down like this: The house was still, early morning, silent. I was relaxing in my own profound thoughts lounging there, you know, relaxed yet engaged, I was writing about serious and beautiful things, I was lost in a beautiful space with my big thoughts when,


Before I even had a chance to think, "Hark! from whence springs that sound? Is it the morning cock calling me to wake? But I'm already awake you fucking asshole morning cock..."

Before I could think that, or register the idea of sound, Left Hand was all like, "AHHHHHHH! KILL NOISE!"--- and had honed in on the exact location of the (annoying annoying grating insufferable kill it make it stop) sound and deactivated the alarm function.

Thinking Brain was all like, "Huh? What the...? The alarm? Who the fuck set the alarm to go off at four in the fucking morning?!"

Left Hand was all like, "Settle down, settle down. Nothing to see here. The situation has been ameliorated and the enemy has been neutralized."

Thinking Brain was like, "Wow, Lefty, those were some fucking awesome ninja skills!"

And Left Hand blushing, feigning humility said, "It was nothing ma'am. I was just doing my job so you can do yours,"

But deep down Lefty was thinking, yeah, I am pretty fucking amazing.

True story.

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