Wednesday, February 12, 2014

In which we contemplate puberty and other scary things

My son will be turning 11 in April. He's already a giant fellow at 5' 3". He looks soft and round and he is but he's also very strong. One of his favorite games right now is, Can I Pick it Up?

Anyway, I digress. In my family, boys get softer and rounder before they grow into broad shouldered giant manly men. True story.

This morning, my big little boy stared pensively into his cereal bow. I asked him what was up and he said he was worried about going through puberty. I asked it there was something specific about puberty that was troubling him. He told me he didn't want to grow a beard and was afraid to shave for fear he'd cut himself with a razor.

I looked at his sweet smooth face and imagined him with facial hair. Huh. Wow! OH MY GOD. I didn't say that though, because when your kids come to you with this stuff you have to be placid as a pool of water, you have to remain as cool as goddamn cucumber and as you must appear to be as serene as something really seriously fucking serene. It does not matter how freaked out you are on the inside, this shit isn't about you, and you must appear unafraid, unfazed and not bothered.

I focused on staying placid, cool, and serene and explained in my calmest mom voice that when the time came, we could get him an electric razor. His eyes got wide. An electric razor! Holy Crap, Mom! That seems like a really bad idea! Electric razor sounds like a death machine!

He had a good point, so I explained that while an electric razor sounds like some fiendish device with sharp steel blades glinting and winging around on mechanical arms, in reality electric razors are easy to use and are really safe.

I showed him some pictures of electric razors online and made a mental note that when the time came, we'd be shelling out some real money to buy one of these bad boys for our kid. It'll be worth it though, because he will likely shave his arms, his pubes, and the cat. The last thing this kid needs is a sharp blade. An electric razor will ultimately save us lots on medical and vet bills.

Anyway, after seeing the Norelco Senso Touch 3-D,  his mood changed. He went from terrified to thrilled. Bring it, Puberty! An electric razor is a cool looking hand-held gadget that is guaranteed not to cut your face off. Life is good the future looks suture free.

I gave the boy a hug and a kiss and sent the happy lad off to school.

After he left I spent some time staring into my coffee. One day I'll be the mother of a giant hairy man. Damn. Puberty. I hope I'm ready.

No comments: