Monday, March 25, 2013

A whole lotta nada.

Again, I find myself alone, away from home, away from the distractions of home, surrounded by distractions of another sort, loud people, a woman who can't seem to tolerate being quiet. She's talking loudly on her cell phone to someone who obviously doesn't want to be talking to her.

I have spent the better part of two hours trying to write a piece about violence against women and I wound up with a tangled mess that I will have to sort out later. Or not. Somehow or other everything I pick up resists being distilled, refuses to be simplified or extricated from every other thing in the universe. This turns writing projects into something far too complex to grapple with in a coherent way.

Sitting here wondering. Shit.

The lady and her fucking phone. She's got her lunch but she can't stand the idea of eating alone, chewing with her mouth closed and so she is, if I am not mistaken, flipping through her contact list, fishing for someone she can talk to while she eats her soup and bagel.

I need to be alone to recharge. I need a lot of time alone. My kids max me out everyday as far as social interaction goes. By the time I get them off to school  I've had enough human contact to last me until they get home from school.

But some people, like this lady with the phone, she needs people around to feel safe and okay. I feel sorry for us both.

Poor us.

I've been thinking about my ADHD. Funny thing, ADHD. I have recently learned that folks who are wired like me often complain of being bored. Seems funny if you think about it, counter-intuitive somehow. For me  boredom feels like a clawing in my brain. It's uncomfortable. It's itchy like a tag in a pair of underwear, only like I said, it's in my head.

Yeah. Okay. Just trust me on this, alright?

The reason I get bored is I can't choose what I want to do. It's not that there is nothing to do and everything is dull, but that nothing is dull and I can't do everything at once.

To choose one thing is to reject a million possibilities.

Every choice is an existential popularity contest. It sort of sucks. It more than sort of sucks, it just plain suck sucks.

Today's moral is, I need to remember that everything is connected. Choosing one thing will lead to another thing and another thing forever and ever moving along.

Not choosing means standing still.

Standing still is uncomfortable.

If you think about it.



1 comment:

Suzanne Comins said...

I really appreciate this description of ADHD. I think many people get stuck in this place and can't move forward; often, this is a problem of mine. You know that time is precious, important, there to be savored, not to be wasted, but you're stuck and not enjoying time. Not being mindful. Many of my days feel as though I am being sucked through a straw, unconnected to the things I love and want to be doing. Like you, I want to be attached somewhere, to something.